Setting Boundaries Is Hard to Do

Hi All,

You haven't heard from me in a couple of weeks because I have been really stressed out.

Two weeks ago I began taking the "antidote" to my chemo exactly twelve hours after my injection. The first week was a little rough. I was sick as typical after my MTX injection. Then the pill that was supposed to make it all better made me feel worse. I was really sick almost every day of that week.

The next week, I felt even worse than the week before. Everything I ate made me sick. I was extremely weary, and my head pounded all day. Worst of all, insomnia continued to plague me. At best, I was getting 2-4 hours sleep per night.

These physical stressors had my anxiety levels at an all time high. It is really hard to remain calm, cool and collected when a war is raging inside you.

It has been an eventful two weeks, too. Michael was in a wreck. He was hit from behind which pushed him forward and he, thankfully, only tapped the car in front. The driver who hit him did some seriously good maneuvering just before the impact. Sadly, his car was damaged badly and had to be towed. Michael's back right took the brunt. It knocked out the tail light, crumpled the trunk a bit, and the side panel cracked from the forward pressure. The back passenger door doesn't close securely, either, so although the police determined his car to be safe to drive, we are keeping it in the driveway until we finish jumping all the insurance hurdles and can get it repaired. We are down to one car (he will get a loaner as soon as it goes in for repair... again insurance hurdles) which has been a major inconvenience. However, no one was injured, and the wreck could have been so much worse. We are thankful the driver behind him was paying attention and able to swerve. We are thankful for God's protection.

You've probably seen on the news how the South has been devastated by two winter storms. If you live in a place where ice and snow are something you must contend with regularly, first, God bless you. I don't know how you do it. However, secondly, you probably don't get how two inches of snow can cripple us. You can read plenty of other blogs or reports on the subject, so I will keep my two cents worth. But let me say that our schedule has been extremely disrupted as a result of the storms. You would think that would make for nice, relaxing days by the fire, which, in part, it has. But then, the days without snow and ice have been filled with twice as much as normal in order to make up for life coming to a slamming halt the other days. Part of my life strategy has to be slow and steady...careful pacing, so I have not dealt well with the stop-and-start pace of the past two weeks.

Then there have been little problems here and little problems there.

Someone misunderstood something I said or because I'm really not myself right now, I didn't say what I meant to say. You know the phenomenon where what's in your brain sounds different from what come outs. Happening a lot lately... I wonder why?? I'm putting out fires left and right, it seems.

Or someone has an idea of what I should be doing to help myself, and so I try it. The latest, a 15-minute T-Tapp exercise routine (supposedly the best thing on planet earth for people with auto-immune) caused a flare so bad that I had to use my walker for two days.

Or someone needs me and I just can't be there for him/her. I've mentioned this before, and you can pray for me in this regard. I'm a counselor type. I'm quick to jump in and help/listen/advise. There are plenty of people who are used to me filling that roll in their lives, and I just can't do it right now. It's hard on them. It's hard on me.

Sadly, I'm struggling with just being me right now.

Getting out of bed, eating, keeping my meds straight, brushing my hair... these are all hard. My skin is so sensitive that it has hurt to wear clothes. My rashes are all flaring, so I have painful, itchy redness on my hands, back, and face. I can't even wear make up on my eyes right now because of painful rashes on both eyelids.

And despite nausea and digestive ills keeping me from eating much, I have gained weight. Yep, gained. Talk about kicking someone while they are down.

So, all of that is to say, be patient with me right now. I know I try to pull off the Superwoman image. Guilty as charged. If anything, God is dealing with me on that issue right now, and I am learning to let go and to trust Him more.

And simultaneously, He is teaching me more about the sufficiency of His grace and how He is my help in all situations, be it hard, like raising children while chronically ill, or seemingly insignificant, like brushing my hair. He is there, and I am calling on Him a lot.

All of that is also the preface for sharing with you some difficult-to-explain decisions I have made... boundaries I am setting for myself.

1. I am on a new, very strict diet which consists mostly of liquid or mushy, easy-to-digest foods. I'm not starving myself and am making sure I get the nutrition I need. However, I am trying to give my digestive system a break. After five days on this diet, I am happy to report that, so far, I feel much better and my digestive issues are improving. Friday's chemo and Saturday's antidote did not affect me nearly as much as it did during the past two weeks. In fact, I feel better than I have in weeks. Also, I have been sleeping better, and I have lost 6 pounds. Weight loss is not my main goal, but I will certainly take it.
2. I will be turning my phone off on Friday mornings and will not turn it back on until Monday mornings. I have a lot to do on Fridays to finish out the school week and to prepare for my weekend. I am going to start making taking care of myself a top priority, particularly on the weekend and will not be available for calls or texts. If there is an emergency, please call Michael. If you need his number, contact me Mon-Thurs for it. Thank you!
3. I won't be on Facebook, twitter or reading any blogs for a couple of weeks... maybe longer (except to post any updates for this blog so you can easily see them). I need to keep my energy completely focused on my family, home, teaching and treatment. I also will not be checking my email on the weekend. Please feel free to email me anytime, just know that I won't respond right away.
4. Because I did experience big improvements this weekend, I am going to stick to my diet and chemo regimen very strictly until I see my rheumatologist again in late March. I want to give this a fair, undisturbed shot. Although I appreciate the care and concern of so many of you, I will not be trying any other diet plans, remedies, home cures, exercises, etc. They are doing me more harm than good and possibly disrupting the chemo process. Because I don't want to needlessly drag this process out for myself, I am asking with much love and understanding that everyone means the best for me that you simply pray for me if you disagree with my course of treatment and that you do not vocalize it. God will lead me to what is right, if chemo is not it. If I do not experience more improvement by the end of March, then I may be open to other possibilities.

Setting boundaries is really hard, and I am asking for your help on these things. I appreciate so much your understanding and continued support. I love you very much.

Thanks for praying!


Photo Credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/landscape-romantic-forest-trees-56617/